Cry Me a River

Crying is good for the soul?Is it really?Why does it feel that sometimes the water works want to come at the most inconvenient times,and once it starts it doesn’t want to stop…This journey of self discovery is starting to be a tearful one…Guess this is all the tears I pep-talked myself into not shedding that’s falling now…I hate crying,it makes me feel weak and vulnerable…So what’s wrong with that?Nothing at ALL,but its an idea my mind must still get use to…I’m allowed to be vulnerable. I’m allowed to be weak.I’m allowed to be human. I think its crappier crying alone…Mind you that’s actually the only time I usually cry,away from prying, judgmental eyes…I know most people look with empathy but ja cynical me don’t even want this from others. Yes crying alone is crappy,especially when all you want is someone to hold you and reassure you that everything is gonna be fine,whether you believe it or not is another matter…So when last did I cry in someone’s arms?Gosh probably when I was in my early 20’s,so have I had nothing to cry about in so long you wonder?I wish!!!!It’s just I haven’t allowed myself the comfort of crying in another’s arms in so long. Sad state of affairs ,I tell you. To let someone hold you while you crying would mean that you trust them enough to firstly see you cry. And that my dear friends is the problem right there. I don’t think I have trusted anyone in so long, that I’ve allowed myself to breakdown in front of them. And you know what it becomes exhausting. Exhausting to pretend you fine when you not. Exhausting to always be a trooper .Exhausted of always being optimistically positive. Exhausted to feel like you must fight for your place in the sun…Ok maybe I’m being abit dramatic ,but hey that’s how I feel right now. And on this journey I’m not gonna discount my feelings anymore. That’s how I feel and that’s that. If I’m being overly dramatic,deal with it!!!

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Love Me for Me

“They read you Cinderella, you hoped it will come true, that one day your Prince Charming will come rescue you. You like romantic movies and you never will forget, the way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet…”

Corny lyrics of a corny 1990’s pop song…We women of the new millennium do not appreciate these kind of lyrics which supports the ideology that we as women need to be rescued by a prince charming or knight in shining armour….Right????Of course!NOT! We are women,we are strong anything men can do we can do better….Yeah right…I’ve always thought of myself as a kick-ass feminist…until I got into my 1st relationship…at age 15…ok not really a relationship but my 1st bf,the guy I shared my 1st kiss with…

Good girls don’t ask boys out…They wait for the boy to make the 1st move…guess we were all taught this .All or most of us adhered to this for most of our lives. I remember there was one particular boy who I had the hugest crush on at age 17…I was sure I loved him (maybe I did in my own sweet 17 year old way)…I was so head over heels with him that I broke that critical rule…I told him that I liked him,”like a woman likes a man “(my exact words cringe)…Turns out he liked me too,but for some strange reason we never had a relationship.No wait- he said it was because ” he had stuff to deal with and didn’t want me to get caught up in all that, cos I was too good for that….Wow now I loved this dude even more (insert bbm love struck face here).In hind sight it was a classic case of “He’s just not that into you”something I still have trouble realizing until its too late, a good 17 years later…Why do we girls (this term not being used to slag feminism but rather on my denial of being a not so young woman anymore) rather believe all the BS stories than accept the sometimes way more obvious “He’s just not that into you.”You know why???Cos some of us (like your truly)like to believe the best of people and think “why would he lie?” —really silly especially since we’ve been proven wrong over and over again..But also because the truth hurts like a female dog, come on admit it….Its better to believe some crap excuse of “unresolved past issues” than the more obvious “hey I guess I’m just not that into you.”And if you are anything like me, it because you just didn’t see it coming and that sucks big time…Or if you are anything like me,you might have seen or sensed it coming but you hoped and prayed you were wrong and that your over-active paranoid imagination was just playing tricks on you.

So are why are we as woman so gullible?Yes,I dared use the much-hated G-word….The word I would never dare describe myself…I’m a sophisticated,wise woman of the world….Oh please I wish….I’m vulnerable,sensitive (both not things I like people to see),I’m (undercover) romantic and (very undercover),( extremely) sentimental…Sometimes I hate being a woman-really I’m being serious…But most times I love it,I embrace it.Love?Have I given up on it?Nah not yet….but I think I need to take a step back and concentrate on a love relationship I’ve been neglecting for a while…One I haven’t been investing into as much as I should…The relationship with myself…I think its time I take some time for myself…Real time…Not the usual “btw relationship time” I’ve been winging for the past few years…Come on don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about…”The I love myself and will do put myself 1st” Then bam u find yourself seeing someone and you put all or most of your energy into that person.Weird thing is you don’t even know that you are…even though (in your head) you already busy planning your summer holidays with this person in the middle of April.Also not the winging it until the next relationship comes along kind of me time…I realize lately my whole life has been sort of waiting for IT to happen…Life will get better once IT happens…And the older I get the more (dare I say) desperate I’m getting waiting for IT to happen.And its seriously stressing me out.So much so that I until today didn’t even realize I’m angst-driven when in a relationship,anxious cos IT is all I can think of and in the interim I don’t really enjoy the spontaneity of the now.If you haven’t figured out what this IT is that I’m on about, then I don’t know…The M-word that most of us aspire to since our childhood fairy tale days…Marriage.Well that stops here…Easier said than done maybe,but I commit to living MY life to its fullest potential,to not live it like a lady in waiting anymore,waiting to meet Mr Right,waiting to settle down,cos as much as I want that whole shebang ,I’m tired…Tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt,tired of being disappointed, tired of x-gf issues,tired just so tired.Am I tired of love?Not a damn cos from today I’m embarking on a new love affair,one that I’ve been neglecting for too long…The Love affair with yours truly!!!

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With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

So today being national election day means a public holiday yay!!!But it being the 7th one in as many weeks,kind of makes it feel old hat (let’s remember this feeling when the normal 5 day week rolls by again ). Went to make my mark and it took less than 5 minutes.5 minutes— it takes longer than that to pay for a loaf of bread at the local supermarket (especially with the recent laxy daisy attitude of the cashiers)!!Anyway I couldn’t help but remember the very 1st democratic elections -I had just started high school so wasn’t eligible to cast my vote but I remember the hours loooooooong queue’s at the polls, the electric atmosphere, the mounting excitement,the camaraderie of the millions of 1st time voters…Ok ,ok I’m romanticize the memory cos even though all of this is true there was also uncertainty and fear mixed with these…Uncertainty what the election results might yield,Fear of the unknown…This evident of the thousands of South Africans who jumped ship by rushing to the Australias and New Zealands of the world. I distinctly remember being away on a school camp in Kleinmond while the results were being tallied (is that the proper word),a camp with no access to TV or radio and remember this was before the days of social media,heck before the age of the cellphone….So in short we were cut of from civilization and had no idea what was happening back at the ranch!Of course we all know how that panned out-we emerged a democracy without the civil war all the pessimists predicted…

Fast forward 5 years…as an almost 19 year old I was super excited to be making my mark.So excited and idealistic that I was at the polls before work, dressed from head to toe in my party’s colours. By my 2nd election my excitement had dimmed down quite abit. Ditto for the 3rd elections. Today was my 4th time voting and I was like seriously wondering if I should or not make the 5 minute trek to the polls. Then it hit me—its cos of people like me who started ALL fired up, excited about the future of the country,then life happens and we got disillusioned…Disillusioned by the failure of the ruling party to deliver on their promises…But are we really?What about being disillusioned by life in general?People like putting the blame for most things on someone else’s door…And I think in South Africa the ruling party has been the scape goat for many….Don’t get me wrong I know the ruling party is not without fault but people blame almost everything on the government.

So what am I on about?Nothing really just that the saying “You appreciate it more if you worked/fought for it” really rings true….We have become nonchalant about the very thing that great men once were prepared to either die or spend decades in prison for….Remember with great power comes great responsibility! Let’s not let life get in the way of celebrating what we have today, 20 years of democracy in our beautiful country.

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Not An Epic Journey To The Centre of The Earth

I’ve always wanted to write, there was a time I wrote but never truly…cos I realise I care too much about what people think of me. I’m the epitomy of self-consciousness,wrapped in a fake cloud of “I don’t care sophistication”…I don’t sing aloud ,don’t dance because “I’m different” ,”do things my way” ,”am not a follower”, these have ALL been mottos of mine throughout the years….ALL fake cos deep down I think all I wanted to be was like everyone else “kind of”
Some time ago someone told me to start a blog…Everyone is blogging nowadays,and how can I jump on the band wagon without being a sell-out???I’ve put it off for a long time, and even though I’ve put it down to afore-mentioned reason…I now realise that deep down its really cos I’m not ready to give people a real glimpse into my psyche…Cos as we all know writing REAL writing does this….I think I enjoy the image of sophisticated,independent,strong woman I portray to the world and that actually writing down my thoughts,feelings ect would show my vulnerable,cheesy,girly side,the side I struggle with many atimes….So why take the plunge now?Well after yet another relationship disappointment I realised that I pent up my issues and when one seemingly fleeting relationship ends, all the old feelings of hurt,rejection and anger resurfaces…In short I don’t deal with things as they happen…I pep talk myself into being a trooper but then the next disappointment comes along and I feel like I want to crumble (inwardly of course,cos hey I’m Ms Strong remember)…So in short I’m ready to reveal the real me…The person who cries (alone of course) when she’s hurt ,who likes rom-coms and Sci-Fi movies alike,the person who can be wickedly sarcastic one moment and sincerely sweet the very next,the person who loves fashion,pretty shoes -yet admires athletes, the person who loves reading ,yet enjoys a night out equally well..The person who loves tattoos and piercings .The person who comes across as aloof and uptight,yet when u get to know me you find I’m down-to-earth,and easy-to-talk to,the person who hates dancing but LOVES watching people dance…In short a person with many contradictions,so many that I sometimes can’t describe myself in a few words,cos they often contradict each other…
So this journey might not be the exciting at all,no heroine on an epic journey to the centre of the earth,no kick ass chick ready to take on the world…But I hope this journey to be one of self discovery,one of stop caring what people think and embrace the real me,contradictions and all…Hope I enjoy the ride….
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